Why not to invite your mum to your hens night (NSFM)

** NSFM – Not Safe For Mums.

I don’t know about you, but my mum sees me as a Disney pyjama clad, fluffy slipper wearing CHILD who tucks herself into bed beside her sloth teddy at 9:00pm sharp. While this is 100% true, what I get up to when fuelled by alcohol and under an exponential amount of ‘friendly’ girl-squad peer pressure, is an image that exists only in her nightmares. Here’s why my mum isn’t invited to my hens night.

Oh dear god no.

Topless waiters

If by some terrible mistake, my friends deem me the kinda gal that enjoys random muscly boys traipsing around my house in nothing but an apron, I’d hope my mum isn’t there to share and double my discomfort.

Who are you, what are you doing in my house, and why do you look so darn uncomfortable?

Topless waiters’ cringeworthy ‘performance’

In my experience of erotic fiction writing, I discovered the secret is to pepper the text with describing words, such as: “gyrating”, “vibrating”, and “pulsating”.

If any of those words or actions come into contact with me – just as a personal preference – I’m hoping my mum is FAR away, bubble-wrapped tight in the safety of her own blissful ignorance. MUM – if you’re reading this, it’s time to look away.

Please, for the love of God, stop that.

P*nis paraphernalia

Now, I’m not going to pretend I’m above obscene genital paraphernalia – the more offensive the better! But if you hand a p*nis shaped straw to my mum… After an extensive search of the house, expect to find me huddled in foetal position under my bed.

Mum, step away from the obscene straws.

How did you choose your wedding date?

It was a special day for us both

Our venue was available on that date

We chose by season

We chose by guest availability

Alcohol consumption

Though I still dress, look, and act like a child, my mum (hopefully) doesn’t know I had my first scull of hard spirits at the very mature age of thirteen and a half while ‘hanging out’ in a local playground. My mum likes to see me as the innocent “No wine for me, thanks” type of girl. But then again, she hasn’t seen me on a night out.

If someone at my hens whips out the Vodka bottle, I’d have to reveal my true form to my birth-giver. I’m just not sure I’m ready for that.

Please don’t tell her my go-to song is ‘Shots’ by LMFAO.

Cool mums…

If you’re one of the lucky few who have ‘cool mums’, feel free to invite them to your hens night! There’s nothing I enjoy more than seeing a mum get down on the dance floor… Just as long as it isn’t my mum.

via GIPHY

Don’t get me wrong – my mum is the coolest of cool. She’s everything good and light in the world, and there’s no way I’d be able to function without her.

….but she still isn’t invited to my hens night.